lights go out

When I have had to go into the woods alone, especially at night, it has usually been difficult. The Army prides itself on building mental toughness, but sometimes just walking down that darkened hallway is hard enough for me. I have forsworn taking the garbage out at night, since the dumpster area reminds me of a scene from a horror movie. I let my husband brave the zombies. My fear of the "I know not what" in the woods, my "Pan-ic," (a great etymology from the mythical Greek god Pan, that whimsically dangerous forest-dweller) gets the better of me more often than I would like. Is it a function of loneliness--the feeling of vulnerability that comes of not having anyone in your corner? This might explain how hard I had to work to control my fear when the Army would send me into the night woods to navigate my way to various points during training. I would do anything--typically bribe a small dog on the premises with food, or mumble aloud to myself--to keep from remembering how alone I was in the woods. I tried to ennoble it by calling it an exercise in solitude: just me, my compass, my map, and the stars... I may have been deluding myself. After all, it didn't really help: I now will do anything to avoid walking the trash out at night! Or is it a kind of socialized laziness--the settled comfort of knowing I can send my husband out in the dark, allowing me to keep the luxury of my most vivid fears, rather than face them? I don't seem to be any less jumpy when it's just the two of us camping. The only time this night paranoia seems to take a back seat is when I am with a large group of people.

When I walk through the woods with my children at night, to help them find a place to pee or to show them the constellations, will they sense my shallow breathing and darting eyes, and wonder how on earth I used to be a Soldier? Or, will they think I am their Amazon protectress, and wonder why they themselves don't feel braver in the world? I hope they do neither. I often wish I were not so afraid of my own imagination.